There’s No Place like Nome

  • Published on August 25th, 2008

A corn field at duskOn March 24, 1989, 10.8 million gallons of Alaskan crude oil aboard the Exxon-Valdez curled into Prince William Sound. Known as possibly the largest ecological disaster in history, the Exxon Valdez Crisis loomed in the minds of a world on the cusp; the Wall was about to come down, but no progressive attempts had been made to stop environmental hazards.

Alaskans are now facing a greater ecological threat with even graver social and political implications. The Prius Hemp Crisis struck the coast on July 4th, 2008, spilling tons of crude corn oil into Bristol Bay. American transportation companies are beginning to rely on corn oil instead of petrol in a herculean effort to decrease emissions. Alaska and Russia now import their fuel from the Midwest, an economic and ecological role reversal that has spawned a new breed of dangers.

Corn oil and by-products washed up onto the Alaskan coastline, sewing the seeds of defeat. Cornfields began to spring up in Bristol Bay, Anchorage, and as far north as Nome and, almost immediately, liquor store owners began to close their shops on Sundays. The Apple Company reported a sharp correlation between corn migration and iTunes purchases of John Mellencamp’s Greatest Hits.

“There have been some major changes,” reports Anchorage native John Borealis. “I had to ground my pristine teenage daughter for sneaking out to the drive through with some guy named Biff!”

However, Borealis has less to worry about than many other parents, whose teenagers have been arrested in a state-wide methamphetamine bust in Denali National Park. The newly inaugurated governor Walter Mondale comments;

“Stuff like this has always been a problem in the Midwest and Palmdale, but never here! We need to wage a war on drugs, and start in our state’s schools. The Nome school system has just installed a new “Just Say No” campaign to keep kids off meth and stop corn-stem chewing in its tracks.”

The food industry has seen drastic changes as well. Local supermarkets have seen a drop in demand for fresh fish, while at least twenty new Red Lobsters have sprung up along the coast. Their three-story flagship restaurant will be located in Anchorage’s Mall of North America, set to open in spring 2009.

City planners received mysterious commands to replace all the state’s streets with yellow brick. Architects have also been ordered to design homes with storm cellars. Mondale comments once more; “I wish we had just stuck to crude-oil–corn oil will mean the end of us. If we only had a brain…”

Read More about Corn Ethanol (not nearly as funny, but good stuff nonetheless!)

Image credit: Dodo-bird at Flickr under a Creative Commons license

About the Author

I am a 20 year old student of the University of California at San Diego. I write satire and nonfiction for three different publications. I am a pre-medical/writing student.