Smokey Gets Burned
Be warned: This is a tale of a fallen American hero. Ever since the U.S Forest Service reported a very healthy decrease in forest fires, Smokey the Bear’s career has slowly declined. After recognizing the horrors of global warming, Americans have made a very significant effort to save the ecosystem, which has saved the West from burning. Last week, U.S Forest Service chief Abigail R. Kimbell released this statement,
Mr. Smokey Bear has always held a figurehead position. His pay is exorbitant and many firefighters believe that the money should go to a more worthwhile cause. We know that Mr. Smokey Bear has been the face of the U.S Forest Service since 1944, but we need a more modern representative. We have extended Mr. Geico Gecko and Mr. Ben Aflac offers to replace Mr. Bear.
Smokey the Bear has been spotted in the Sierra foothills in the Mojave, spending thousands of dollars in Indian casinos and rummaging through trashcans behind $10 seafood buffets. Lonepine native Shelley Birdsong reports,
Mr. Bear sat next to me at the craps tables and ordered me a giant Pina Colada. He was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and was pretty drunk already. He asked me to come up to his room. I nervously declined, and he didn’t really notice; he just got up and went to puke in the back alley.
Many Mojave residents have sent in complaints about Smokey falling asleep in their trees. He has been seen in Vons eating entire trays of sample Velveeta, and has been escorted out of a few more establishments for sexual harassment.
Just yesterday, Smokey was tranquilized while spotted sleeping in Nevada governor Jim Gibbon’s tree. He was then transported to an undisclosed Nevada state penitentiary on one count of trespassing and will be in court next week to address his other violations. Warden James Poole reports,
“The inmates are already beginning to call him ‘Pooh Bear.”
Read More about Western Forest Fires:
The Politics of Fire Suppression: Did Bush Administration Budget Cuts Cause Bigger Wildfires?
Wildfire Ecology Part 1: Almost 4 Weeks Later, 489 California Wildfires Still Burning
Wildfire Ecology Part 3: Lighting Fires to Fight Fires
Image credit: aliwest44 at Flickr under a Creative Commons license.
