Onion nails it: “ExxonMobil CEO Depressed After Realizing Earth Could End Before They Finish Extracting All The Oil”

  • Published on October 11th, 2018

Are you depressed at the latest IPCC climate change report, which says we only have 12 years left to bloody well DO something about climate change? Even MORE depressed when you consider that they left out some of the most concerning information – the potential for tipping points? Well, just imagine how the poor CEO of ExxonMobil must feel, when he contemplates his company’s profitability after he destroys the world. What will THAT do to his stock price?

The Onion - IPCC report has exxonmobil CEO depressed

By Jeremy Bloom

Because really, the only response by a modern American CEO to “You are destroying the world” is “How will this impact my business plan and share price?”

IRVING, TX—In the wake of a report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change that projected the planet had only a decade to prevent catastrophic global warming, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods was reportedly feeling depressed Wednesday after realizing the Earth could end before they finished extracting all the oil.

“When I read about the report, it just hit me like a ton of bricks—we could all die and leave billions of barrels of petroleum trapped in the ground forever,” said Woods, wiping away a tear as he added that the entire oil industry was heartbroken by the thought that they might not have the decades they needed to extract all the oil from the planet as they had originally thought.

You might have thought that, with 40 years to plan ahead, ExxonMobil and their colleagues in the extractive fossil fuel industries might have already moved into renewable energy in a big way. But you’d be wrong.

It seems pretty obvious at this point that rather than move their companies into a bright new future, they oil and gas giants are planning for the same trajectory as big coal firms: Grind out as much profit as you can for a few years (on the backs of the workers, the environment and the local populace), and then declare bankruptcy and walk away (leaving shareholders, bondholders, and the government holding the bag, as usual.)

At press time, Woods announced ExxonMobil’s plans to quadruple its oil production in an effort to extract it all from the Earth while there was still time.

About the Author

Jeremy Bloom is the Editor of RedGreenAndBlue. He lives in New York, where he combines his passion for the environment with his passion for film, and is working on making the world a better place.
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