Screwed by Poo: Methane from this Week’s Political Bulls*** Melts Ice Caps

How can there be so much bull in a bear market? This week was so remarkably dismal that the causal relationship between human action and global warming became immediately palpable.

Scientists at the University of California have been rushing to calculate exactly how much damage was done.

“I’ve never had to quantify ‘bullshit’ before,” says paleoclimatologist Dr. Haywood Giblome. “However, we came up with some rough figures that are truly startling. CO₂ has increased from about 400 parts per million (ppm) to 550 ppm within a week. This is the itemized chart of estimated emissions from each culprit:

Giblome continues, “ We are already beginning to see flooding in Northern Greenland and huge cracks in Alaskan glaciers. There’s also just so much more that we haven’t accounted for. Texting engineers? Embassy attacks? The premier of Entourage bombed? The list just goes on.”

So just how do you protect yourself? Are sunscreen and a hat good enough?

Giblome is cynical. “We have set up a simple, 2-tier alert system. Green means: “build an arc.” Red means: “jump in the arc.”

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